Delusions of a Sports Fan

This post came to me after the Nov. 14 Steelers game. See, I'm an avid Steelers fan, and it's important to me to see every game (yes, I mean every game) when it airs. I pride myself on seeing every moment of a game. The same is relatively true for Lakers games. Nov. 14, however, I broke a rule, a superstition rule, if you will. I fell asleep in the middle of an important game which led me to write out these rules so others would not make the same mistake.

See sports are riddled with athlete superstitions. Through the years, the media has made us privy to many of them:

• Jordan wore his UNC shorts under his Bulls shorts, and clapped hand chalk in front of the announcers' faces before games.
• Lebron does his Jordan-copycat, all-eyes-on-me, witness-my-greatness, worship-me chalk clap.
• Dwyane Wade has his pull-ups on the rim.

These are a few normal ones for starters, but they get far more interesting.

• Hockey sticks dunked in toilets before every game (Bruce Gardiner)
• Sleeping in opponents' game shorts the night before a game (Jason Terry)
• Wearing thong underwear while in uniform to break a hitting slump (Jason Giambi)
• Talking to the goal posts as if they are your "friends" (Patrick Roy)
• Brushing teeth between each inning (Turk Wendell; He has a bunch, actually.)
• Getting smacked in the face as hard as possible before an NFL game (John Henderson)
• Sexting pictures of your genitals to Jen Sterger (Brett Favre; What? Too soon?)

Athletes believe they must do these things or planets will fall out of alignment, groupies won't flock or poor performance will ensue. Well, fans have rules, too. Some are personal, and some apply to all fans.

If you are a true fan, these rules apply to you. If you violate a rule, it's a cardinal sin against your team, and chances are you have put your team in a position to lose (well, at least in your delusional mind).

Some of my personal ones are simple. I have to wear something Lakers-related on game day -- the bigger the better. On most game days, I'm wearing a pair of Lakers shorts underneath whatever pants I'm wearing to work. Steelers' garb is a much easier undertaking because I'm rarely working during a game. Watching the game is the ritual.

As I see it, there are a set of rules that must be followed by all fans when it comes to being a good/great fan:

Rule 1: Never tune in after the game has started

Not watching a game in its entirety in this day and age is just ridiculous. A true fan will always try his or her best to watch the game live.

Of course, there are always reasons to miss a game -- family emergencies, work and church are all good ones. Cable outages mean you migrate to the neighbor's house within a 15-minute time frame. Car trouble is viable as well. But what were you doing out so close to game time if you are a true fan?

Tuning in to watch a game that’s half over simply because you were busy buying a new pair of slacks or reading about tofu in your new organic health magazine means you have exacted bad karma on your team and almost ensured a loss.

The Solution: You have many options out there -- Tivo, DVR and VCRs (If you're still in the dark ages) -- to get the job done. You can't affect the outcome of a game that's already finished. Don't let your poor judgment as a fan effect your team and the rest of the fan base. Do everyone a favor and resist the temptation to turn the TV on. Now, go enjoy that tofu burger, soy latte and Celine Dion CD you bought earlier.

By the way, nice slacks.

Rule 2: No bragging about a lead via social network

Posting anything on public media about how well your team is winning while there is still a decent amount of time left in the game is a surefire recipe for disaster. It's almost like begging the other team to make a comeback, and giving them the blueprint to do it.

Of course your friends know you are like this. You can't stop jinxing your team, and that is why you are home alone watching the game and posting about your lead.

The Solution: It's simple. If you are this person, it's important when game time comes, you are not around a computer, phone or anything connecting you to Facebook or Twitter.

I guess Myspace is always an option if you must post because honestly who the hell has a Myspace anymore.

Rule 3: Leaving during a televised game

You may be asking yourself why just televised games. Well, if you are physically at the game, you have already done your due diligence as a fan. Feel free to get food, beer and relieve yourself so long as it's not within two minutes of the end of either half of a close game. Televised games are a whole different story.

See, while you're sitting on your couch, eating your wings and drinking your beverages, you no doubt feel you are the king of your domain. And you are … just not during the game.

The rules here are simple. You may get any beverages, food and relieve yourself during commercials because that's what they were made for. I understand it's your house. I understand it's just a routine first down or routine possession for your team, and you think nothing important will happen. But that's when it does.

If you leave a seat, the rest of us reserve the right not to tell you what happened and what all the commotion was about. If you miss the replay? Good, you deserved it. You should have been in your appropriate spot. Better catch the highlights.

Halftime is where you restock and prepare for the second half. If you happened to run out of snacks or supplies, now is the time to get to the store and get them. But take heed, you must be back before the start of the second half or else. I cannot stress the importance of this rule. While you may not be responsible for a team's loss, you will be responsible for any big play that happens while you are away from the TV, which could result in a loss.

The Solution: Be prepared. Plan your bathroom breaks and have a friend at the house that is not a fan of your favorite team. That friend may leave to get snacks, beverages or other friends without consequence. Just remember: You owe this friend when his/her team plays.

Rule 4: Team Colors

It's Game Day. You need to be careful with what you put on your body. You don't want to confuse the karma gods by wearing the other teams' color scheme. Making this mistake should be avoided at all costs.

I know what you're thinking already. "What about main colors like black, brown, blue..."

The Solution: First, work uniform colors don't count. Although, I have no idea why you would work anywhere that made you wear a rivals colors. So long as you change out of your work uniform as soon as possible, it will be okay.

You can also cancel this out by wearing team colors underneath your uniform, whatever color closest to your skin takes precedence. Even though some teams use neutral colors as their primaries, honestly, if you can't avoid another team's colors on game day, it's time to hit up the clothing store and buy something new. Holidays count, too. Don’t run around wearing green on St. Patrick’s Day if the Lakers play the Celtics. You better be wearing purple shamrocks that night. Period. There is no other logic; don’t get it twisted.

Rule 4a: Children and your team's colors

The same logic applies to children until they are old enough to choose. Otherwise, your team is your child's team. It's your job to protect them from the influence of the other team.

This doesn’t mean you need to put them in team colors every day. But game days, particularly rivalry games, are important. The complication with this rule arises when parents like rival teams.

The Solution: Simple -- get a divorce. What were you thinking anyway? There is no way this is the person of your dreams. How did you get here? Southwest has flights to California for $69. Take one of those, your life savings, a passport and a Brita water filter and head for the Mexican border. Housing and food are cheap in Mexico. You should be able to live fine for awhile. Plus, Latino women are hot and don't have any allegiances to American sports. Sounds like destiny to me.

What? You don't like that idea? This person puts up with your in-laws? They speak English too! (Sigh) Fine, here is the solution to your baby problem.

The REAL (More Complicated) Solution: Assuming both parents are major sports fans, the child should not wear either team's name or logo until they are old enough to pick on their own. Eight to Ten years old should do it.

You may put them in both teams' colors at any time, but you must alternate and be fair. This will be a deep and personal choice your child will make. Don't be surprised if your child doesn't like either team.

Feel free to encourage your child to dislike the rivals of both teams. This will increase the chances one of your teams is picked.

The Easier Solution: Pick the team of the parent most interested in sports. Who cares more? Who will the child watch sports with most while growing up? Once this is decided, the other parent must be on board and support their fandom. But parent beware. In this situation your child has the right to change their team as they get older. And you thought the teen years were gonna be hard. …

Just as some people can avoid throwing salt over their shoulder when they spill it without consequence, some sports fans are blessed with the ability to elude Fate, and their team magically does well despite the fact there are no asses in seats for full regulation. But I consider my rules fairly easy to follow and not terribly taxing. I would equate them to washing your hands before a meal or brushing your teeth before a big date -- an easy solution to ensuring imminent success.

Let's hear some of your rules. Do you have any imaginary metal friends you converse with pregame? Or masochistic tendencies before hitting the turf? I'd love to hear them.