I think it's safe to assume, since you are reading this in some last ditch effort to either get out of work or safely watch the NCAA tournament at work for the next two days. But before I help you get away with proverbial murder at the workplace, let's go over the reasons you are here in the first place and allow me to do some virtual hand-slapping.
First, you knew this day was coming all year and you chose not to request off. What kind of nonsense is that? Maybe if you didn't procrastinate, this wouldn't have happened. Next year, do yourself a favor and put in for two days of vacation so you don't have to go through some ridiculous charade.
Second, realizing you failed to request time off, you still decided to wait until today to try and call out of work or watch the game. As Charles Barkley would say "That's just dumb." Every employer on the planet knows this is one of the least productive days of the year, and they know why, even if they don't like sports.
You calling out is going to be frowned upon greatly. If they don't fire you for calling out without a doctor's note, then they are going to make the next few weeks of work a living hell for you. You will pay for your ditch day, there is no doubt about it.
What you should have done was prep the sickness beforehand. A light amount of coughing and sniffling on Monday, followed by increased coughing on Tuesday should have started your plan off correctly. Follow it up with the disheveled, I-look-way-worse-than-normal look along with a small bottle of chloraseptic spray, and come Thursday, the office will be begging you not to come in to work.
It would have been an easy call-out. Even though your boss would still know what you did, they would applaud your performance, give you an A for effort and respect your dedication to your role as the sick person of the office.
Remember, he who starts acting sick first, gets to call out first. There will be more than one of you, so get on the ball next year. Get your sniffle on earlier than Joe from accounting. Once home, refrain from enthusiastic tweets and posts on Facebook until Saturday.
Side note: The athlete of your building has already requested off. Chances are he did years ago. Actually, chances are he put on his application he wouldn't be able to work these two days due to some sort of religious holiday or some other type of responsibility. The office athlete cares more than you, which is probably why he has the higher pay and all the ladies in the office.You have to plan like him if you don't want to sitting at a desk like you are right now.
So Payton, how do I get out of this predicament, you ask? Well there are many solutions, but let's explore some of the more legal and effective ones. Let's start by trying to get you home for the game.
1. The Dr. Pepper-Oatmeal Cookie Method
What you will need: three Soft Batch oatmeal cookies (yes, the fact that they are soft does matter); two 20 oz bottles of Dr. Pepper.
It's not too late to turn back from this option. Things are going to get messy, and you are going to have to be more than willing to humiliate yourself. Basically, once at work, find a good moment where no one is watching you and pile in all three cookies. Take the sodas and chug both as quickly as possible. I mean fast. Don't sip, don't swig, CHUG! Quickly dispose of your evidence and return to your workspace. It shouldn't take long for your stomach to react to the carbonation. Unless you have a cast iron stomach, you should be ready to puke soon. Whether it's full on puke or a burp puke, don't hold back. Now, what are the cookies for? Consistency silly, you need it to look good, like you ate something bad, and those cookies will be perfect. You get them soft because they have to come back up. Pick a good spot to throw up, in front of people, preferably in front of your boss but not on their desk. Now enjoy your drive home.
2. Watch It In Your Cubicle Method
There are a number of sites that will have the games televised for your enjoyment. The NCAA site itself has vastly improved this year, providing you with the ability to watch on your phone, computer, iPads, etc. The trick here is not to get caught, so let's see what's out there to keep you under the radar.
-- Firefox's panic button extension
Don't want the boss to catch you surfing the Web on company time? Don't want your teacher, classmates, roommate or significant other to see the Web sites you're viewing? With Panic Button, a single click of a toolbar button will quickly hide all Firefox windows. Bring them back by clicking a button on the Restore Session toolbar. The Panic Button action can also be invoked by pressing F9 (Command+F9 on the Mac).
-- Boss Button
This is a button that comes equipped with the NCAA live feature they are providing. The Boss Button silences the sound on the computer, but also brings up a series of spreadsheets and other work-related items to pull the wool over your boss' eyes.
-- Purchase a high-powered boss button
This is for the pro slacker of the office -- Magic Boss Button -- which means your boss is probably the person who uses this. Good luck.
-- Spreadtweet
A program that allows you to use Twitter at work. Instead of looking like you are on the Twitter home page, your tweets will come through in an excel spreadsheet, allowing you to get updates on the game with coworkers being none the wiser.
-- The Mirror
This one is the cheap and easy method. Simply buy a small mirror you can attach to your computer monitor. Position it in such a way that anyone approaching behind you is caught in your new third eye's field of vision. Hit Boss Button as needed.
-- Virtual desktops
This one will save your ass by creating mini-workspaces, each one running its own suite of apps. Think of them as parallel universes for your PC. Mac OS X (starting with version 10.5), Linux and Unix all provide native support for virtual desktops. Windows users should seek out a third-party utility such as WindowsPager, which integrates nicely with the Windows taskbar. (To jump to a new window, simply click its icon in the taskbar.) Other virtual desktops include Desktops, Dexpot and VirtuaWin.
Then there is this thing below. I don't trust it, but for you cheap people who didn't request off, don't value your job and don't want to feed your kids, it should work just perfect.
That's it. After this, it's too late for me to help you. Hell it's too late as you are reading this, but I figured I would try to help. I've been there, I know how it feels. Actually, no I don't, because I plan ahead. By they way, did you pick a bracket? Who do you have in your Final Four? Arizona? Really? Can I get in on your bracket action. I'm not against taking money from morons. But really, good luck. Hopefully we have helped, and with any luck, you have learned your lesson. Enjoy your wonderful day at work. Make sure you get the TPS reports done, big boy.
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