Rookie School With Gilbert Arenas

By Payton Wales

With the lockout upon us, the NBA cancelled a lot of its summer events, none more important than the Rookie School, a place where all NBA rookies go to learn about how to manage their new life. Money, groupies, work ethic, social media, etc. are all topics covered in the school.

Now, with the lockout, there isn't going to be a class. So it's up to the veterans to school the newbies on how to act in the NBA, and who better to teach than the master himself: Agent Zero, Gilbert Arenas.

Why is he the master, you ask? Well, because nothing says maturity and a grasp of the NBA lifestyle better than bringing loaded guns to the locker room for a practical joke and then a couple days later making fun of the whole event in front of a live audience during player introductions. It was a stay-classy moment if ever we saw one, and that is why we are ecstatic he will be teaching our rookies.

Today, we have two lessons from Agent Zero. Perk up your ears, kiddos and listen.

Lesson One: How To Treat Your Plethora of Dates

Below is a diagram of how your date should go, according to Gil. Don't forget to use social media to berate your date, and as always use your smart phone to take a picture of the hi-jinx so you can show the world exactly what you are talking about. Let's take a peek below as Agent Zero takes us on one of his blind dates via Twitter:





This is a perfect example of how your date should go, rookie. Don't let anyone like your mother or father tell you otherwise because, honestly, how would they know? Are they millionaires? Do they play basketball for a living? Do they have a black card? Did they ever get more women than Wilt on an off day? No, so ignore their advice and listen to Uncle Gil. Follow the rules below.

1. Don't let them think you respect them.
2. Make sure the world knows you don't respect them.
3. Treat them as you see them, in this case, like a prostitute.
4. Berate them as much as you can, women like that and it's sure to get you some action.

-- To be fair, people, the girl does look like a homeless Thundercat in that shirt. And what the hell is the blue thing supposed to be? Is that an Arch-Reactor? Is she wearing an Ironman suit? I mean, if there was an Ironman suit that looked like a character from the stage play Cats. I'm not so sure Gilbert did the wrong thing here. Regardless, let's move on to the next lesson.

Lesson Number Two: Organizing Women in Your Smart Phone

This was another lesson provided by Agent Zero via Twitter. Let's see what he has to say?

 

 For those of you that need a closer look, here you go:

 

The lesson is pretty clear here. For optimal satisfaction, organize your phone as such. Some things to note while you look through this list:

• Out of the 107 girls on the list, he only respects one. I'm going to assume its a family member and leave it at that.
• Notice how there is not a list for "Plays Hard to Get" or "Girls I'd Date." That's because, as an NBA athlete, these categories should not exist for you, unless you are Doug Christie, in which case you only have one number in your phone anyway. I doubt his wife even allows him to keep his mother's number in his phone.

Now remember, Gilbert is just giving you the blueprint here, but there are obviously many different categories  by which you can list your conquests. Be creative, and if you are a pro, like Agent Zero, you should have your own stable of career NBA hoochies in no time.

Next weeks lesson: Password Protecting Your Phone, Multiple Phone Usage and special guest Shawn Kemp will stop by to teach you how to avoid your child support payments. School's out for the day.

-- It's obvious Arenas hasn't learned much, if anything, from his downfall in Washington, but can you get mad at him for this? At least he is being honest, and if he is joking around, he is blasting us for stereotyping players and that is just as good. It's no surprise this is what an NBA player's phone looks like. For that matter, I doubt any of the women are surprised either. They know they are on these lists and they know they aren't the only women in these players lives. Almost all of them, I said ALMOST, are not there for love anyway. They want the free ride, the fairytale. If you don't believe me, go google some of the sites out there dedicated to promoting groupie behavior among today's young women. OK... old women too.

As far as I'm concerned, if you are going to ride Arenas for this and say how bad it is, then you need to call out the hundreds of thousands of women who are willing to be on this list. Trust me, if you pick any 10 women you know right now, six of them would sleep with a pro athlete just to do it. If they were all married to a normal guy, I'd say at least four still would. And that, my friends, is the truth of the matter.

So is Agent Zero really wrong to put this up on Twitter? I say no.